Ever since my mom died, I cry in H Mart.– Michelle Zauner, Crying in H Mart

I can relate. I cry every time I hear the Temptations sing, “Silent Night.”  We read this book in the Craft of Reading Class I took with UC Berkeley Extension. I was apprehensive about reading this book when I realized what it was about.

When I contributed to the class discussions, I often had to start with the disclaimer that I suffered the loss of my own mother two years ago, so my observations could be colored by grief.

Michelle Zauner’s description of her grief on page 6 resonated very strongly with me:

“Every time I remember that my mother is dead, it feels like I’m colliding with a wall that won’t give. There’s no escape, just a hard surface that I keep ramming into over and over, a reminder of the immutable reality that I will never see her again.”

Warning: Spoilers ahead

Vivid Writing makes it easy to connect with Michelle Zauner

Michelle Zauner’s vivid writing, like the passage above, drew me into the story. I loved her observation about Karen Carpenter on page 180: “channeling my best Karen Carpenter ­—that tiny, tragic figure. That starving woman in the yellow dress, slowly crumbling under the pressure to seem happy for the camera, slowly killing herself on live television, striving for perfection.”

Writing a memoir about a deceased parent must be filled with conflict for the writer because it requires careful attention to how the story is told. As the writer, you are sharing not only your story but also part of your parent’s story. Since your deceased parent is no longer here to speak up, you must be discerning about what to share.

Zauner ultimately did a great job of portraying her mother as a whole person, not just an unfortunate deceased parent whose cooking she loved. The first mention of her mom’s name, Chongmi, was significant on page 165 in the letter from her mother’s art teacher.  While Zauner may have felt her mother reduced herself to simply being a wife and mother, her mother’s art teacher saw her as an art student. By naming her mother and viewing her through the art teacher’s eyes, readers can see Chongmi as an individual. Interestingly enough, Zauner never writes her name again for the rest of the book.

The Complications of Writing a Memoir 

I do, however, feel that there are some holes in Michelle Zauner’s story; I don’t begrudge her for not sharing everything about her mother and father, but some of the gaps made it hard to connect with her.

I failed to connect with Zauner’s reflections on her identity issues. I felt that was a huge part of her story, but it was confusing. She spent the most time with her Korean family, and it seemed she had the closest connection to them. She visited Seoul every other year as a child; she goes to Korean school on weekends, learns to cook Korean food, and goes to Korean spas, yet she still feels unaccepted as a Korean woman by people like her mother’s caregiver, Kye.

The resolution to her identity issues seemed to be that music and performing were where she belonged, but this feels incomplete. On page 233, she says her mother would be glad that she found a place where she belonged. Perhaps music is where she feels affirmed and loved, and that is what she was looking for.

I also did not connect with Zauner because her life post-mother’s death is “suspiciously charmed,” as she puts it on page 233. Two years after my mother’s passing, this isn’t the case for me. She does give it a mystical twist, perhaps suggesting that her mother has something to do with it from the great beyond.

I don’t think writers have to tell it all when telling the story, but I feel there is something she is leaving out about her father. He doesn’t come across very well at all, and I understand not wanting to embarrass him, but something about him feels very incomplete. I don’t believe we ever got his name. The epilogue of her dad’s story is that he moves to Thailand, and we never hear from him again.

I think this is where readers are kept at a distance regarding Zauner’s home life, particularly her relationship with her father. We know that they had a volatile relationship, and she lets us in on the fight they had when they went to Vietnam after her mother’s death.

As readers, we’ll never know why Michelle Zauner’s mother chose not to have a second child. We read her mother’s cruel words, which said that because Zauner was such a terrible child, her mother had an abortion when she was pregnant with her second baby. In her aunt’s account, it sounded like her mother prioritized her visits to Korea and thought it would be too hard to manage two children during those visits. This made me start thinking about the father again. What exactly was going on in their household?

In memoir writing, some matters are so personal that they may be better left unsaid.

A Great Read for anyone navigating grief 

I think this is an excellent book for anyone navigating grief. It’s amazing to me that Michelle Zauner was so young when she wrote this book, and she was so brave to put her grief into a story. I didn’t know she was a singer until one of my clients told me she went to see Japanese Breakfast, led by Michelle Zauner. She talks about her artistic endeavors in the book, but I wish she had gone into a little more detail about how her music career all came about.

After reading this book, I cannot wait to go to my local H Mart and try all the wonderful snacks, food, and beauty products!