” Friendship is more about knowing rather than being known.” –Derrida, Hua Hsu, Stay True

In my Writing that Resonates class, we read Hua Hsu’s memoir Stay True.

Hsu was a Student at UC Berkeley in the late 90s. He is only a few years older than me, and his cultural references are so familiar. Hua listened to much of the same music I did, and we shared many similar opinions about it. For example, we both thought Master P’s music was terrible.

Stay True is a memoir about friendship, belonging, and grief. Hsu’s friend Ken was killed in a carjacking during his time at Berkeley. Hua’s memories of his friend, the grief that ensued, and his identity form a powerful story of male friendship. I love the book because it provides a rare look into male friendship.

Hsu is what I think of as a typical Berkeley student in the 1990s, with his contrarian, radical views. However, I loved reading his reflections on friendship and grief. His thoughts on French philosopher Jacques Derrida’s views of friendship made me stop and take notice:

“Friendship is more about the willingness of knowing rather than being known.”

Like Hsu, I used to believe the opposite, but now I see that great friendships begin with curiosity about the other person.

My real friends are all interesting people. I don’t like bland, dull, narrow-minded people. They aren’t any fun to know because they are uninteresting, judgmental of anything that doesn’t fit their small world, and rigid in their thinking. I think this is why the last few years have been so tough. I have rarely met people who pique my curiosity enough to make me want to know them.

When it comes to dating, I like weird guys. Some people would call them bizarre, but the men who interest me most are curious about a lot of things. They are super smart, love to talk, and are just kind of off. I like this because it makes getting to know them so much more exciting, and there is more to discover. I would never get bored.

We keep talking about a loneliness epidemic, but maybe there’s a lack-of-curiosity epidemic. We aren’t interested in knowing other people. We’re interested in judging them or putting them in neat little boxes, but not in knowing them; and, on the flip side, maybe we don’t want people to know us. I think about my real friends, and I can trust them, so I can be vulnerable with them.

Social media gives people the false impression that they know someone. How often have people sold one story to the public, only for the truth to come out? None of the stories they were selling were true.

I think Stay True should be required reading for young people because so many of them don’t know how to make friends.  They don’t understand that friendship takes consistency and genuine interest in others. COVID stole their adolescence when they were learning to make connections, and as adults, we haven’t been the best role models. How many of us are constantly scrolling on our phones?

Because of social media, much of our lives is up for public consumption, and we no longer know who to trust. Perhaps the real problem is that we don’t know ourselves, so nobody else can get to know us either. I don’t know, but I do know I want to make a conscious effort to know my friends and be vulnerable enough to be known.