When young women ask for advice that I would give my younger self, it all comes down to one central theme: Do not consistently choose the short stick and end up with a life you settled for and now regret.

Let Go of Timelines

Many of us have timelines in our heads that we will land in the right career in our twenties, meet our soulmates in our twenties or thirties, and have a family by the time we are thirty-five.

My first piece of advice is to let go of timelines. In the 2020s, nothing is more certain than the fact that nobody knows what will happen next, so why try to set an artificial timeline for how your life will unfold?

One of the primary reasons we need to let go of timelines is that we attempt to force life to fit our self-imposed deadlines. We listen to those around us needling us about when we are going to settle down and get married or start a family because we are getting older, and the time is slipping away.

When I turned 41, I realized my life was likely to look different from what I had anticipated, and I needed to make peace with that. My life wasn’t going to fit a traditional timeline, and that was also fine with me. I am now headed to my mid-forties, and I am not married nor do I have children, and I am glad that I don’t because at this point in my life, if I were going to get married, it would be because I wanted to and not because I felt compelled to because time was running out. I have the freedom to choose a partner I like, respect, and am compatible with, not someone I defaulted to out of convenience or proximity.

I shudder to think where I would have been if I had tried to stick to a self-imposed timeline. There would be several unhappy people stuck in a life they were on time for, but hated every minute of.

Not too long ago, I was headed to a show here in San Francisco, and my Lyft driver dropped me off at the wrong venue. I finally realized that I was in the wrong place about five minutes before my show started. I raced over to the other venue since it was only a block away, and I got in my seat two minutes before the curtains went up. I was much later than I wanted to be, but I was right on time for the show and hadn’t missed a thing.

Take Risks and Don’t Always Choose the Safe Option

When I talk with people who have few regrets in life, I realize it’s because they have taken chances on what they wanted to do, and even if it didn’t work out, then at least they went for it.

The biggest regret of my adult life is not betting on myself. I am capable of so much more, and I could kick myself a hundred times over for not transitioning out of my current career ten years ago. As a result of not quitting sooner, it’s harder to transition out because the job market is horrible, and I lack relevant experience.

As I hit my mid-forties, I decided there is no time like the present to take some risks and not choose the safe or easy option. I have declared that 2026 is the Year of Yes. Just by saying yes to new connections, opportunities, and environments, who knows what can happen?

My advice to younger women, especially, is to take the risk and not choose what is safe or easy. Do what scares you. Learn something new. Make friends with the person who intrigues you. Go on that solo vacay! Cut your hair! Buy some hair! If you have a dream of being an actor or singer, then join a community theater. Get out there. Take a risk. Hit on that guy or that girl.

Cut down on regrets by taking more risks. Go for it!

Stay Connected to your Real Ones

Many of the issues we see in our society today stem from isolation and a lack of connection with others. When we feel isolated and alone, we can fall into unhealthy groups, or we can become radicalized into harmful belief systems.

During the pandemic, I became heavily involved with a local church. There was nothing else to do, so I volunteered for what they needed help with. When we came back to the building, I found myself immersed in the church, even to the point where I worked there part-time. Along the way, I lost touch with reality. I had my wake-up call when my mother got sick and passed away. There is no more real reality than a lifequake than the loss of a parent, and after several incidents during that time, I knew that church would no longer be part of my life.

Growing up, church was the center of our lives, and when my mother passed away, it was that church community that I grew up in that rallied behind our family. Back in the day, Black churches were the center of life because they were the one place we could be unapologetically Black. It was where we could sing, shout, carry on, fight for social change, learn to speak, write, perform, and find our folks.

When I became an adult and started attending church on my own, I never found the right fit. This last round was confirmation that I am not going to find community at a church. Out of my six years at that church and five years of serving, I’m only in contact with one person, and she is a real one. She came to the hospital to be with us the day my mother passed away.

My advice to young women is not to go through life isolated, but to find your real ones and stay connected with them. Don’t take it personally when people don’t reach out. They may be going through their own hard times. I found out that someone I hadn’t talked to since the pandemic had a heart attack, and that’s why he disappeared. Others had experienced divorce, the loss of parents, homelessness, mental health issues, and other calamities. I wonder how much better off we would all be if we just stayed connected and stopped acting as if being online, texting, and staying in our homes is enough. It is not enough. We need to be connected to our real ones!

Make a list of people you lost touch with, make plans to talk with each of them, get together, plan something, put dates on the calendar, and get out there and live your life!!

Even this is the advice I would give my younger self, this is the advice I am putting into practice for my current self. I am choosing to let go of timelines, take risks, and stay connected to my real ones. The advantage of growing older is the wisdom I have gained from my mistakes, and I want to be an elder who can teach from experience and back it up with receipts.