“He is music I could listen to forever” – “A Love Song for Ricki Wilde” 

“A Love Song for Ricki Wilde” isn’t my usual type of read.  A fairy tale mixed with a bit of fantasy isn’t the type of book that would have caught my interest, but we were reading it in our book club, so I gave it a chance.  

My book club is for Black women, and we read many Black stories, so when I realized that this book was a fairy tale about two beautiful Black characters falling in love, I got excited. It was a captivating story featuring complex characters embroiled in a timeless romance.  Even though the book has some spicy scenes, it wasn’t raunchy and struck a chord with me.

We need more exposure to stories like “A Love Song for Ricki Wilde.”

I am not saying we need to believe in fairy tales

But Black women,

We need to stop believing the stories society tries to tell us about our worth 

and  our capacity to be loved

We need to believe that we can also experience a Great Love. 

Now that I am in my 40s, I better understand what “love” actually is.  Love is making the choice to be committed to your partner. Love is partnering with your beloved on your life’s journey, experiencing the mountaintops and valleys together.  It is saying yes when they are at their best and you are at your worst and vice versa.

Over the last few years, I gave up on the idea of a Great Love due to unhealthy religious conditioning. This makes no sense since the Christian understanding of marriage aims to illustrate God’s love for his people. Due to self-imposed warped ideas, I resigned myself to believing that if I wanted to partner with a Christian man in marriage, I would need to settle for the equivalent of a cheese pizza: it’s not bad, and if you’re hungry, it will get you through.  The problem is that I like toppings on my pizza and not just plain old cheese. I like inspired and inspiring men who think and feel deeply, ambitious men who support ambitious women, who aren’t afraid of emotional intimacy, who can give and receive emotional support, and who are on a mission greater than themselves.  

It is a bonus if they have a bald head and have a beard.  

I put the idea of a Great Romantic Love out of my head because I was heavily involved in church ministry during the pandemic. I have preached, taught, and led in the church.  Few men attend church, so the pickings are slim for single women, and we try our best to make fetch happen with the men that attend.  I tried hard to make do with what was available and even convinced myself that this was God’s will. I thought God was teaching me not to be so shallow when considering life partners.  Maybe God wanted me to learn to be content with cheese pizza instead of the specialty pizza I had envisioned for my life.

It had been a long time since I encountered a man I was fully attracted to. The men I have been the most attracted to over the years have been physically appealing to me, but something about them had nothing to do with their physical appearance.  They were super smart, driven,  adventurous, curious, and mission-minded.  There was something that they possessed that drew me in.  Because I no longer encountered men like that in the ministry world,  I came to the (erroneous) conclusion that God wanted me to settle for a “nice church guy” that lived life in Black and White.  

Then my Mama passed away.

After watching the finality of my mother’s death, I decided I didn’t want to leave this Earth without experiencing A Great Romantic Love. I did not want to settle for a religious marriage centered around attending church with a life in Black and White. I also decided to step away from ministry because that is not the lifestyle for me. I began to dream of my Great Love and live in living color again.

Even though I loved “A Love Song for Ricki Wilde,” I know life is not a fairy tale, and there are several areas I am working through as I open myself up to life’s possibilities of my Great Love. I believe Black women can have healthy, functional, and loving relationships like everyone else. Still, we must work on our spiritual, mental, and emotional health to get there.   

Here are five things I am doing

Unlearning  Unhealthy Religious Conditioning

Black women are the most religious of all groups in the nation, which is positive in many respects.  Unfortunately, I think unhealthy religious conditioning does ontribute to why many of us stay single, and I am here to propose a better way of approaching relationships and marriage rather than what is commonly taught in church.

I propose that we can continue to believe in Jesus and follow Him without settling for the few men who attend church with whom we may not be compatible. We do not have to fall for the relationship prosperity gospel, give up hope, and resign ourselves to a life without love and hang on until heaven.

We need higher standards

My youth leader from the church I grew up in says churches reduce Christianity to attendance and punctuality. She says that if people attend every Sunday and show up on time, they consider themselves faithful Christians. Sadly, she is correct; even worse, MEN who attend every Sunday, show up on time, and can read are considered “prime real estate”  and “men of God” by the church.  If they also volunteer at church and can pray out loud, then they are the rare unicorns considered husband material and with whom women should be looking to partner.

For my Christian ladies, we need to have a higher standard than men attending church, be punctual, be able to read and pray out loud, and volunteer. We need to find out who these men are outside the church building because that is who you will be in a relationship with, not the guy putting his best face on at church.

Some Questions to ask 

Does he work?  If not, does he believe God will provide without him doing anything?

What is he passionate about? (other than church)

What do you have in common outside of church? Are you compatible?

How does he treat others outside of church? 

Does he behave like a man who would be a good life partner?

The Relationship Prosperity Gospel

My friends Robert and Cynthia Taylor are Christian marriage leaders, and I participated in their Kingdom Marriage Summit. We were brainstorming ideas to promote healthy Christian marriages.  They wanted input from singles and married couples, so I joined them.  One of the women in my brainstorming group who had recently remarried commented, “Couples need to have more in common than going to church!”  She set me free with that comment!   I know for sure I do not want to be in a marriage where going to church was all we had in common and our lives were centered around church activities.  

There was a time when the Relationship Prosperity Gospel was popular in Christian spaces because they knew their audience (Black women) and their pain point (perpetual singleness).  Attractive Black Christian couples found a way to monetize “Christian courtship” and marriage to single Black Christian women who gobbled up their content, books, conferences, and paid mentorships.  

The first issue I take with the relationship prosperity gospel is that it is designed to serve the almighty dollar and make money off of a deeply personal and often painful area of life for many single Black Christian women.   The second issue I take with the relationship prosperity gospel is that we don’t know these people and what their lives are like off of social media.  It is much better to find a couple you admire in your local church congregation to talk with and learn from, like I have with my friends the Taylors..  I still participate in the prayer call that my friends Robert and Cynthia hold on the third Thursdays of the month.  Hearing about couples sharing their ups and downs in marriage is encouraging and refreshing.

I have evolved in my thinking regarding my partner’s involvement in church. It is much more important that my partner has integrity, strong character, and shares my family values. I don’t believe every couple is called into ministry. Some couples may be given a platform outside of the church that will glorify God.  

Putting Down the Cape

My fellow sisters, we don’t have to be superwomen.  It is not our job to save democracy, and it’s not our job to save humanity.  That is Jesus’s job, not ours.  The “strong Black woman” trope must die.  Black women are strong because we have had to be, and there was no other choice. We have not been given grace and strength to play “Mammy” for others.  

I want Black women to get somewhere and sit down. We must focus on ourselves and our families instead of worrying about everyone else.  Sisters, let’s focus on our physical health.  We have higher rates of metabolic syndrome (diabetes, hypertension, high cholesterol, abdominal obesity), and too many of us are dying early because we aren’t properly caring for ourselves by eating nutritious diets, exercising, and minimizing stress.

Black women must also be intentional about caring for our mental and emotional health. So many of us have had complicated relationships with our families in addition to fighting and clawing our way to make something of ourselves.   We must manage our stress, get therapy (there are great Black therapists), and pay attention to ourselves.

Put down the cape because these same people pandering to Black women and encouraging us to carry the load are going home to their families and their retirement plans, and sitting down with a glass of wine while we are still marching with nothing to show for it.

Let it Come to You

A few years ago, I was at an event, and one of the leaders read me for filth.  

“You are a bull in a china shop, and that has gotten you into trouble, hasn’t it?” 

I burst out laughing, and when I told my sister what the man said, she responded, “I think that is the most accurate description of you I have ever heard.”

It is true. I am very driven, and when I want something, I do not stop until I have it. This is great for your goals and achievement but not for people, especially not people to whom you are attracted.

I have had to learn this the hard way. 

I can think of a particularly shameful incident years ago where I harassed this poor man and was not about to take no for an answer.  After much personal growth, I learned why that approach did not lead to success. I was inconsiderate of his feelings and only thought about what I wanted.  I was impatient and selfish and demanded my way.  That is not love.

So, ladies, learn from my mistake. My spirit animal is the lioness, but that was no excuse to act like that. Neither was the fact that this man was bald, had a beard, and looked like all my favorite 90s R&B songs come to life.  I wasn’t ready for prime time and learned a good lesson.

My strategy these days is to enjoy my life and do things I want because when I am in that mode, I am in a much better state to receive what comes my way.  Whenever I have gotten the things that have been my destiny, so to speak, there isn’t an anxious or frenetic energy but a peace that surpasses all understanding.  I believe that is the grace of God.

I am currently living my life and engaging in what I enjoy. I am not sitting around waiting for something to happen because I don’t believe relationships are meant to rescue us from our boring lives. I think we’re meant to invite people into our world so they can learn some new things, and we can learn new things from them.

Understand your needs, and don’t discount compatibility.

All of us differ in our needs. We must understand what feeds us relationally, and we need to be honest about it.   One of my significant needs is someone with a growth mindset and curiosity about life.  I couldn’t bear a partner who does the same thing every day, every year, and never branches out to try anything new.  I would be bored to death. Speaking of which, I always find myself attracted to men who love to talk and have an opinion about everything. I need to be intellectually stimulated and have great conversations.

I know I need someone who is clear about his identity and isn’t playing the role of who he thinks he should be. I also need someone who wants to be a partner in a relationship and not a spectator, where one partner watches while the other struggles to carry the load, whether emotionally, financially, or relationally.  

Understanding your needs helps you know who you are compatible with. I have learned that I am utterly incompatible with passive men. Passive men sit around waiting for something to happen, always discussing plans that never happen. They are in the passenger seats of their own lives, allowing others to navigate their course. 

I am not compatible with someone who doesn’t like vegetables, healthier eating, and doesn’t like to exercise.  I think the best way to start the day is with exercise, so I am often up before 6 a.m., either at the gym or in my basement. I go to the Farmer’s Market weekly and attempt to make 80% of my meals at home, so we eat nutrient-dense meals most of the time. So, someone who eats fast and ultra-processed foods regularly and isn’t interested in 80% healthy living (because wine, bread, cheese, French fries, and Popeyes will happen 20% of the time) isn’t for me.

Regarding compatibility with spirituality, I am uncompromising about marrying someone who shares my faith.  That is very important to me, and that hasn’t changed.  What has changed is my involvement with the church.  I don’t believe that I am called to be a professional minister in the church, and I have moved away from extreme religious activities. 

Believe that a Great Love is Possible 

All successful goals begin with believing that what you want is possible. If you don’t believe what you want is possible, it won’t happen because you will never take any steps toward the goal.

I know what the statistics say about Black women and marriage, and I also know my anecdotal experiences. I won’t lie to you: it is tough out here, but I believe that there are forces that want to keep men and women divided. These forces do not like healthy marriages and families because that would lead to more unified and fulfilled people.  Look around: our society is more polarized than ever, and that is not an accident.  With unity comes mobilization and activation.  Divide and conquer is a tried and true strategy to further oppression and suppression.

So my sisters, believe that you are worthy of a Great Love.  Stop discounting yourself.  Do the work to become a better you.  If you need to get physically healthy, start eating real food and get moving. Suppose you’re like me and need to get to the root of why you need to be in control all of the time, then get help.  If you want to unpack complicated feelings around grief or growing up in a dysfunctional family, then please get individual counseling and join support groups.  

Continue to learn, grow, and live your life.  Most importantly, don’t give up hope that someday you will meet someone who is music that you can listen to and dance through life with forever.