I spent this past summer in the doldrums, mourning a life that never was, and all  the ways I felt I had wasted time and disappointed myself, ultimately leading to my current state of dissatisfaction and disappointment with my life.

Over the Labor Day Weekend, something flipped in my mindset. Yesterday is gone, and I can’t change the past, but I can do something about the future by deciding to get moving today.

With 120 days left in 2025, I made a firm decision: It was time to get it going. I am not going to spend another year in this same place. I am moving forward.

I was in a yoga class, and our teacher, Rachelle, was adjusting me in Down Dog. She had to push my head down toward my chest because I wasn’t releasing and letting go. She instructed me to “Let Go.”  Right then, I knew that my theme for the Fall Push was going to be RELEASE.

This week is the Pregame for the Fall Push as I prepare and establish my intentions and objectives.

Objectives

Change Work Environments

First and foremost, my goal is to change my work environment.  Every day, I take steps to make this a reality, such as preparing for interviews, completing job applications, or pursuing courses to enhance my candidacy. I already know that I am at a disadvantage because I lack a strong skill set, but I am not above starting at an entry-level position.  In some ways, I am an entry-level employee, and I am okay with that. It would give me the chance to learn new skills and advance in my career.

Ideally, I would move out of training altogether because it is time for me to move on and do something more intellectually stimulating and financially lucrative. However, we are in the worst job market since 2008, and I have a skimpy CV, so I know it may take longer to secure another job. If I have to stay with training for a little longer, then it will be in a different atmosphere than the one I am currently in.

Complete Writing Skills Workshop

It is no secret that I want to be a writer. I believe that writing is part of my life’s work, so I am enrolled in a Writing Skills Workshop at the UC Berkeley Extension.  I signed up for the Professional Writing Program because I want to share my writing and my stories with the world. I am really excited about this because after two grammar classes and an editing class, I feel I am in a better position to write.

Debt Snowball

This economy is so uncertain that nobody knows what tomorrow may bring, so I had a nudge to be intentional about paying off all my debt by the end of the year.  This is definitely doable as long as I stay focused on the future.  I was devastated when Mint, the financial tracking program, was acquired by Credit Karma. I signed up for Quicken Simplifi to track my money so I am on top of my finances, and I like it so far. I can see how much I am spending and hold myself accountable.

Fate Tests

I read a fun book called Red String Theory about two people who are trying to discern what brings people together. Is it fate or is it choice? In my opinion, it’s a combination of both. I will resist going off on a tangent about this, but people who rely solely on signs, feelings, and all that rarely work out long-term because they do not choose to put in the work to maintain the relationship. These people also fail to ask themselves if they are choosing this person, instead relying solely on fate, and then become angry when they realize they are incompatible and miserable.

Relying on signs, sparks, fireworks, and plain old lust to keep a relationship going is a recipe for disaster, and those types of relationships usually don’t last.

“The flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long” – Lao Tzu

Anyway, the characters have Five Fate Tests that they use in the book, and so I am playing this game this Fall. For me, these tests are not about romance but spicing up my boring life and expanding my world again.

Over the last ten years,  my life has become constricted, and in the past five years, I have become rigid and boring. My overinvolvement with the church and ministry was a significant part of that, and I am unapologetic to say that I have released that area of my life and embraced absolute freedom in my relationship with God.

The Five Fate Tests are as follows:

Fate test 1: Say yes to something you usually would not

Fate test 2: Show up early or late to somewhere you are supposed to be

Fate test 3: Return a lost object

Fate test 4: Interact with someone online

Fate test 5: Go the wrong direction on purpose

I am curious to see how things unfold with these tests.

Feeling Energized in my Body

Now that I am in my 40s, feeling energized in my body is not limited to weight, diet, and exercise. There are other factors to consider, such as my mental and emotional health, my inner spark, which I call my ‘juice,’ my rituals and routines, and how I am showing up in the world.

While I am out of the immediate shock and numbness of grieving my mother, I am still learning to navigate life without my mother here on Earth.  This summer, I was also grieving a future that never was.  I was reconciling my disappointment in how my life has turned out up to this point. If I had made different choices, then I would have had a different life.  I am not at the point where I can form a nice bow and say, “Gee, I am so glad I went this way.”  All I can think about is how much of life has passed me by, and it was my own doing because I settled.

I have come to realize that I grew up with certain beliefs that I held onto, which are incongruent with who I am. Growing up, the church was at the center of our lives, and as an adult who felt directionless at the time, I thought the church held the formula for success in life because that’s what they said every Sunday. I also thought that was where I would find a lifelong community. Over the last five years, that has been proven to be false for me. I got into it deeply, and at the end, I realized they didn’t have the answers, and their community is transactional. Part of me regrets squandering so much time with it, but another part of me is glad because now I know the truth, and I won’t ever have to pretend anymore.  It also opens my life up to more authentic connections.

She still has the juice.

On August 8, I had a dream that woke me right on up, literally and figuratively. After I finished with the woe is me sad song, I  sensed a flicker of a spark that I hadn’t felt in about ten years. It was my inner spark that I call my juice.

Like Lizzo said

It ain’t my fault that I’m out here gettin’ loose
Gotta blame it on the Goose
Gotta blame it on my juice, baby
It ain’t my fault that I’m out here makin’ news

I’m the pudding in the proof
Gotta blame it on my juice.

I still got the juice, baby!! With that, I started picking up some of my routines and rituals again, such as skincare and other things that I find enjoyable and that make me feel good in my body, like dancing around or doing yoga.

Nutrition and Exercise are, of course, on deck, but no crazy diets. I am going back to lower-carb living, meal prepping (which also saves money), and cutting out unnecessary snacking (which was happening because I was bored). The main thing is to feel energized in my body. I want to show up in the world fired up and ready to go, not tired and ready to be put out to pasture!!

I love the Fall Push because it is a time to focus on specific goals and give it our all until Thanksgiving, when we all give up and eat, drink, and be merry!

It is time to RELEASE!!! LET’S GOOO!!!