In the summer of 2024, my mother passed away after a brief illness. Her death came as a shock to our family, and for days after, I was numb while racked with feelings of guilt, sadness, anger, and overwhelm. I set an intention to deal with the grief around her death. I did not want to be one of those people who stuffed their grief down and wanted to get back to normal as soon as possible because I knew that would cause more problems down the line as grief manifested itself in other ways.
Two weeks after my mother’s death, I joined a virtual grief support group. I recommend grief support groups to anyone who has lost a loved one and needs a safe place to process all of the complicated emotions that come with death. People in these support groups know what you’re going through, and you’re free to cry, release emotions, and talk through one of the worst times of your life.
However there is a phrase and sentiment that makes my blood boil when on the rare occasion someone has the audacity to say it to me or when someone in the grief support group shares that someone said it to them.
“You need to move on”.
Excuse me? Move on? I have never been on this Earth without my mother. I was blessed to have my mother for over 40 years, and in an instant, she was gone. I have only been able to describe the loss of my mother as a violent separation.
I have heard from others who have lost parents, spouses, fiancees, and even children that people tell them they need to move on. To tell a grieving person that they need to move on and not stay in their grief is one of the most insulting and callous things you can say to a person who has to deal with the reality that someone they love is never coming back and they will not see them again in this life.
As a culture, we are uncomfortable talking about death and grief, so we would prefer that people get over it and move on with their lives so we don’t have to think about death in our lives.
I don’t believe people have malicious intentions when saying, “You need to move on.” They genuinely do not want to see others down in the pits because there is concern that the grief-stricken person will not be able to get out of it. We must understand that grief is complex and complicated and isn’t about what makes other people uncomfortable.
Expecting someone to carry on as usual when they have experienced a significant life quake, such as the death of a parent, makes no sense. Prior to my mother dying, I was uncomfortable talking about death because I did not know what to say to those who lost people they loved. The only other close family member that had passed away was my grandfather. I never knew what to say to people who experienced loss except, “I’m sorry.”
I talk about death all of the time now with people because I know it’s going to come for all of us sooner or later, and losing people we love is something we will all have to deal with.
I didn’t really understand the finality of death, and now that I do,I have so much empathy for people who find themselves completely falling apart after the death of their loved ones. It is such an all-consuming and complicated process. Everyone is doing their best to get through the day.
Until you’ve been there, you do not understand the overwhelm that people who are grieving are going through.
The one thing to never say to grieving people is, “You need to move on”
Here are two things you can say instead
“I’m sorry for your loss.” If you don’t know what to say, this is perfect because it is short and to the point
Share fun and significant memories of the person’s loved one. I loved hearing from people about memories they had of my mother. I REALLY liked hearing about the memories before I was born. Before she was my mother, she had her own life, which was fun to hear about.
More Helpful Tips to assist those who are grieving.
Please do not rush people in their grieving process to get back to “normal.”
Life will never be the same again for those who are grieving. There is a new normal. Let those who are grieving adjust to their new life without their loved ones.
Please don’t ask those who are grieving to do nonessential tasks.
They are overburdened with many other essential tasks involved in the death process. The emotional toll of death is bad enough, but there is also a lot of terrible paperwork and logistics, whether it is funeral planning or sorting out your loved one’s affairs.
Understanding grief comes in waves, and there is just no “getting over it”
There are good days and bad days, and these are often on the same day. One minute, I am laughing at something my mother would have said and the next minute I am crying because of the reality that she is no longer here with me. While I am moving forward with my life, the pain of this loss will be with me for the rest of my life.
Encourage the grieving person to get support.
If you are concerned about someone grieving, encourage them to seek support, whether it is a grief support group or therapy. Many wonderful virtual support groups, such as My Grief Angels, are led by volunteers who are educated about grief. My Grief Angels has a support group for every kind of loss you can think of, such as the loss of children, spouses, and pets, and the group I joined is for those who have lost Parents and Grandparents. They also have excellent resources to learn more about the grief process.
(Link at the end of this post)
If someone is expressing thoughts of self-harm, then please refer them to the suicide hotline (988).
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