What is Love? Baby don’t hurt me….no more

*Extra points if you did the Saturday Night Live head thing*

I’ll admit that I would call myself a recovering cynical romantic.  I love drama and excitement but I don’t  believe that all that flowery romance stuff is actually  what it takes to maintain a lasting relationship.

Speaking of flowery romance stuff, I’ve written about how I always manage to learn a lesson from those Hallmark movies. One of the last movies I watched one of the main characters said, “Love is not practical.”

I agree. It’s not practical, it’s not convenient, and it’s also not just about “The way you make me feel. You really turn me on. You knock me off of my feet.  My Lonely days are gone” (RIP MJ)

When I was in my twenties I believed I would meet someone that would knock me off my feet like MJ and Stevie Wonder sang about.  I would be overcome with wild abandon, the missing puzzle piece would fit neatly into place, and my life would never be the same.

When I got to my thirties, I realized that I didn’t want the drama and stress of dealing with someone else’s life.  I wanted to focus myself and what I wanted.  Looking around at peers and people in my life, being married and having children didn’t seem like it was any fun and didn’t seem worth the trouble.

Perhaps what added to this was the realization that television lied to us because having a family isn’t like a 30 minute sitcom.  It’s hard work, childcare is expensive, and that’s why we would much rather go on vacation or get a dog.

At this present stage of the game, I don’t believe that I’m supposed to walk my life’s journey by myself but in partnership.  I also came to the conclusion that I was looking for the wrong thing which is why being by myself was a better option and a relationship didn’t seem worth the trouble.

I was looking for a feeling to rain over me and then I would suddenly turn from cynical romantic to a leading lady in a Hallmark movie.

I don’t think that’s going to happen but I have had a very clear A-ha moment that has completely changed my perspective on relationships.

I believe True love is about making the choice to say Yes to my partner and our relationship and then deciding to stick to it.  That doesn’t sound very romantic does it?

It doesn’t sound romantic but I think that conflating true love with feelings is why relationships these days don’t last. Everyone lives by feelings and emotions.  Well feelings and emotions are never stable for too long and neither are relationships that are based on feeling and emotions.

When we are guided by feelings and emotions, there is a temptation to always feel like something better is going to come along. When the feelings wane for our current relationship we’re ready to move on to the next one and find the “better” which will only be “better” until the feelings wane for that person. Then we are on to the next one…

For someone like myself with a more avoidant attachment style who builds up walls easily, relying on feelings is the kiss of death.  I can easily find something wrong and decide that I’m no longer “feeling” it and be ready to quit the relationship because I could be better on my own.

Earlier this year I found myself with an unusual lack of enthusiasm about some of my current commitments. I found myself going through the motions with not as much energy like I usually had.

I came to the conclusion that I was learning how to show up and stick with it even when I wasn’t “feeling it”.  If I say I want a life partner and children, then I can’t decide to back out and leave because “I’m not feeling it anymore.”

Someone to Set my Heart Free…

If you talk to people who have been married for at least 10 years, then there have been ups, downs, great victories and also great tragedies. Relying solely on feelings is a recipe for disaster. Besides most of us aren’t even looking for the right feeling. We’re looking for sexual chemistry and excitement.  That is not enough to sustain a relationship through tough times or even the boring day to day routine for too long.

At this stage of my life I’ve realized that Real Love looks a lot different than I imagined it to be.  I used to sing  along with Mary too “Real Love…I’m searching for a real love…Someone to set my heart free.  Real Love!! I’m searching for a Real Love.”

I’m now of the opinion that my heart needs to be free before the other person comes along because I would not even be able to  recognize real love if my heart isn’t free because l would still be relying on misguided feelings and emotions surrounding sexual chemistry.

When my heart is free I know that feelings aren’t enough to sustain an actual commitment.  When my heart is free I see compatibility, shared values, shared life plans, and even someone I would trust  my life with and our children’s lives.

When my heart is free and not bound in some feeling I’m chasing, I can make a clear choice to say yes and then to continue to keep saying yes as time goes by.

Love is not practical.  When the practical thing to do would be to leave, true love would tell me to stay.

When the practical thing would be to take the easy way out, true love sacrifices.

The Divine Word says that when I was a child I spoke and thought like a child but when I became a [woman] my thoughts grew far beyond those of my childhood, and now I have put away the childish things.

I’ve put away the childish idea of “Falling in Love”  or Relying on my “Feelings” to stay that way and I’ve embraced the idea of making a clear choice to love him and then deciding to stick with it despite how I may feel.

I attribute my change in mindset to the fact that I don’t think I’ve ever seriously entertained that it would be possible for me to ever be “All in” committed to another person. I was always ambivalent about being fully committed to anybody because being derailed from my life path was always a worse fate to me than being alone.

I could handle being alone and I would actually prefer it because it’s more practical for me.

But Love is not practical

 If given the choice in the right circumstance that I would actually choose to commit to someone else and build our life together.

True Love isn’t about being hooked on a feeling but a conscious choice to commit and stick with it.

This Revelation at my Big Age has been liberating 

My Heart is Free

 Real Love is on its way…..