I was looking through some old pictures (and not even the fitness ones) and I shook my head in disbelief.

What was I thinking?

I  remembered that I used to feel like I needed to do more and work harder because I didn’t think I was good enough.  I remember going on diets, feeling terrible about missing workouts, and picking myself apart.

I look back now and wonder: What the heck was I thinking?

While talking with other women, I hear similar sentiments.  All that time we spent worrying about being thin enough, smart enough, and just plain good enough was such a waste of time.

The best is when you look at an old picture of yourself and think, “wow I was really doing something!” Then you remember how much you were dieting, exercising, and thinking you weren’t good enough

There are many reasons we may feel inadequate and pick ourselves apart. There’s the influence of advertising, competition, and false humility to name a few.

My journey to becoming content and to stop picking myself apart came when I understood that I did not need to accomplish another thing in order to be good enough and that picking myself apart would not lead to positive growth and change.

The influence of Advertising

Advertisements are meant to make us feel inadequate and insecure so that we buy whatever the marketers are peddling.

We know this intellectually and still, we fall for it.

I am glad that I came of age before social media because I can’t imagine how bad the pressure is for young women nowadays.

In my younger years, we just had the pressure of celebrities and models selling to us. These young people now have their peers, known as influencers, trying to sell them products by creating perfect lives to envy and live through vicariously.

The goal of advertising is to influence us to buy things we don’t need in order to feel better about ourselves, and while I think that definitely played a role in all of the self-induced pressure, I think that is just scratching the surface.

Compete or Get Left Behind

For Generation X and Millennial women, we came of age when there were many new professional opportunities for women thanks to the women that went before us.

For ambitious women of this generation, there was an unspoken rule that we needed to be able to compete against the top people, or else we would be left behind.

Women were making strides in regards to equality so we needed to be at the top of our game in order to compete for prime playing positions…against other women AND in some cases men.

Being at the top of the game wasn’t just limited to our professional lives but our entire image.

This meant being at the top of our game:

Physically: Thin or athletic and well maintained

Professionally: relentless by working long hours to keep advancing and achieving

Romantically: Attracting top tier candidates by being domestic goddesses as well as executives…

There was so much pressure and much of it was self-induced because we were constantly competing and comparing ourselves to an unrealistic standard.

I have asked myself what we were competing for and for what purpose?

Who were we competing with? Other burned out, exhausted, and high achieving women who didn’t think they were good enough?

Years later as I look back on all that I did in the name of “competition”, I realize that all of it was such a waste of time because everyone is on their own journey and sometimes we compare ourselves to a completely unsustainable and unrealistic image.

I now understand that I am my own competition.  I can compete with myself by growing and evolving from who I was five years ago or even last year. This is what the growth mindset is all about.  It’s understanding that we are able to evolve and grow and we don’t need to be perfect from the outset.

False Humility

In the book I’m Fine and Neither Are You (one of my recommended reads on the blog) a wise woman gives the main character some advice:  She tells her to stop trying to make juggling everything in her life look easy.

Women try to do it all and then say, “I don’t need help.  I’m fine. I got this,”  when they really want to scream and they’re drowning under the pressure.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve given up this idea that I need to do it all and be it all.  I don’t want to do everything and I’ll gladly allow someone else to take the reigns.

Particularly as a Black woman I’ve been more conscientious about not falling for the “strong Black woman” trope. that is rooted in slavery.

It’s not the job of Black women to save this country from itself

It’s not the job of Black women to put ourselves in harm’s way on the front lines

It’s not our job to kill ourselves muling for other people only to end up with nothing at the end of the day.  We deserve love and care just like every other group of women.

Admitting when I need help or when I don’t want to do something has been liberating because it is letting go of false humility.  Much like the main character in “I’m Fine and Neither are You,” many women try to do everything and then try to downplay it by pretending it is easy.

This is false humility and rooted in pride.  We don’t want to admit that we can’t do it all and need help.  Perhaps this idea is rooted in the competition mindset that if we admit we can’t do everything we will be left behind.

Or perhaps we want to be seen as martyrs in order to one-up others.  This is the furthest thing from humility.

The Journey to Contentment

A few years ago I decided that I wanted to do a fitness competition.  I was sure that this was a key to the kingdom.

As a fitness trainer, I figured I would see my income go up, and perhaps things would change in the relationship department as well. I mean…hey this would be excellent marketing.

Well, none of that happened.  In fact what happened is that I never made it to the stage and I realized that I didn’t need to get super lean, win a trophy, or look a certain way in order to be and do what I wanted to do.  I could do all of that as I was.

Sometimes I think about trying to do another competition just to prove to myself that I can do it, but then I think it may not be worth all of the trouble.

These pictures are from when  I dropped out of the initial show and decided to work toward another before finally pulling the plug.  When these pictures were taken I was beating myself up about gaining weight (because I had been leaner than this) and vowing to work even harder.

WTH was I thinking?

The irony of all of this is that now 5 years later, I am doing much of what I thought the fitness competition would lead to.  I understand now that was a learning experience and not much more than that.

I’ve learned that accomplishments and achievements are nice but they aren’t what really matters.

Most of all I have learned not to be so hard on myself and pick myself apart especially as I get older.  I have learned to give myself more grace, compassion, and be kinder to myself all while enjoying the journey.

Ladies let’s stop picking ourselves apart, comparing ourselves to advertisers and influencers, and engaging in imaginary competitions.  Let’s vow to grow and become the best versions of ourselves!