Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s death deeply affected many women who saw the Supreme Court Justice as a powerful symbol of the feminist movement and trailblazer who stood up against gender discrimination that was, “solely on the basis of sex”.

As a fitness trainer for older adults and fitness enthusiast, I got a kick out of her commitment to her exercise routine and physical fitness. I loved that it was her husband Marty Ginsburg that encouraged her to take up her physical training routine. She said that she did not want to do it because she was too tired but he said, “You do it!” (Source: NPR Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Love and Other Things)

I will confess that even though I know about Justice Ginsberg’s experience as one of the first women attending Harvard Law School, her issues landing a job even though she was at the top of her class, and her brilliant strategies on handling gender discrimination cases, I am most interested in articles about her relationship with Marty.

Justice Ginsburg said that Marty was the first boy she met who respected that she had a brain. There are so many stories about how he did all of the cooking in the family, baked birthday cakes for fellow justices, held lunches for the other spouses of the court (that they thought were catered), and he did all of this while working as one of the top tax attorneys in the United States.

Oh, and did I mention he was one of the main people lobbying President Clinton to nominate Justice Ginsburg to the Supreme Court. Apparently, it was bad form to promote yourself for a nomination to the Highest Court but nobody said that your husband couldn’t do it.

I can’t be the only one wondering, “Where do we find men like Marty, or was he a one time deal?”

I don’t believe that men like Marty are common but I do believe they exist. Unfortunately, as women, we often aren’t clear on our priorities and values so we settle for men who don’t want the same things as we do or hold our same values.

Finding our own supportive partners like Marty Ginsburg is a matter of not compromising our values while also letting go of the myth of, “having it all.”

What are my values?

The first question to ask is what are my values? What do I value most? What am I unwilling to compromise about?

One of my core values is Faith. faith, My faith is something I am unwilling to change or compromise on so a man who doesn’t share that is not for me. I believe I have been called to live a specific lifestyle and do certain things in my life and the man I partner with has to be comfortable and secure with that.

I’m not foolish, I know with such an uncompromising stance that I’m cutting down my chances of a life partner significantly but for me, the risk is worth the reward.

Another value I am unwilling to compromise on is integrity. That value encompasses so many other values such as Trust, Responsible, honest, hardworking, consistent, and reliable to name a few.

As women, once we hit 30, the sounds of our biological clock start drowning out good judgment and discernment. As the clock strikes 35, the alarm bells of missing out on husband and children are louder than judgment, discernment, and sadly our values.

Actively Supportive Husbands are needed…

If we want to find a partner like Marty Ginsburg, then we cannot compromise on our values. If career success is important, then marrying a man who is ACTIVELY supportive is non-negotiable. Some men say they are supportive but they are actually just lazy and disengaged. These types of men prefer to let a woman excel in her career, take care of the home and children, while their lives don’t change very much.

Secure AND Supportive

Being a Supportive husband also means being a secure husband. Marty actively cheered on Justice Ginsburg in her career and even lobbying for her nomination to the Supreme Court. An insecure man is not going to be supportive of a high-profile wife and may even sabotage her success whether unconsciously or consciously by not pitching in where needed.

As I have made my way through my thirties, what I want for my life has shifted tremendously. My main goals used to be: success, financial stability, and checking all the boxes. Now when I think about what I want most it’s centered around serving: whether it’s as a fitness/wellness professional, teaching, and becoming a wife and mother.

Somewhere along the way, I realized that women were sold a bill of goods.

We can’t have it all…at the same time

We have to decide what we want when we want it, and whether it is the right season for it. If I decide to step away from my full-time career to invest in my family, then I have to live with the consequences that there are some opportunities that I will not be able to take advantage of.

I am okay with that because the woman I am today understands that there is nothing at all wrong with taking time off to invest in my family and while that may not the choice for some women, it is the right choice for me and is part of what I consider success.

Justice Ginsburg made the choice to devote herself to fighting gender discrimination and becoming one of the top legal minds in the world. Her work ethic was unmatched. I read that she and her husband would have dinner parties and she would excuse herself to go work on a legal brief along with working extremely late hours. Because of this, she wasn’t focused on making gourmet meals (I read that her family banned her from the kitchen) or playing like she could do every single thing

This did not mean family wasn’t something she valued as many of her law clerks attested to. She encouraged fathers to go home for dinner when they had a new baby and families were part of her law clerk reunions. (Source: NY Times Ruth Bader Ginsburg clerks)

We live in a generation of social media Influencers who pretend they have it all, curate perfect lives with staged photos, and make many women feel like they’re failing but when I look at women like Justice Ginsburg I don’t see a woman who attempted to “have it all” and “be it all” but a woman who made a choice not to compromise on her values and what she wanted most.

When I look at men like Marty Ginsburg I see a man who saw what a special woman he decided to partner with in life and chose to support her remarkable and legendary life.

May we be women who choose not to compromise on our values and what matters most to us.

May we celebrate and encourage the men who are truly supportive and loving partners.

May we all choose to love and commit authentically and fully to our own love journeys and stories.